Monday, April 19, 2010

waiting for my real life to begin

Any minute now my ship is coming in
I keep checking the horizon
And I'll stand on the bow
And feel the waves come crashing
Come crashing down, down, down on me

According to Chicago time I'm at a perfectly normal time in my life. I'm 27 and married. I don't have children. I don't own my home and I have a stepping stone job.

According to Indiana time I'm way behind on the kids, home and dream job.

I'm having a lot of trouble trying to balance the different standards in my life. When I'm at work and around my city friends I feel confident and happy. We all complain together about crappy apartments or crappy jobs. We don't think twice about someone not having children before they are 30. It seems normal and nature to be at this state in our lives.

And you said,"Be still, my love
Open up your heart
Let the light shine in"
Don't you understand?
I already have a plan
I'm waiting for my real life to begin.

But then I go home. I go back to the land of corn and sometime during my train ride I lose valuable time in my life. The biological clock starts ticking faster the further east I travel. The fact that I'm not a mom and still in a crap job becomes something I can't ignore. It's as though Indiana pressures me to move my life faster and get to where I want to be right this second.

When I awoke today suddenly nothing happened
But in my dreams I slew the dragon
And down this beaten path
And up this cobbled lane
I'm walking in my own footsteps once again

It's frustrating, of course. I want to have children. I want to have a nice house. I don't want to be embarrassed about where I live (which I am) or what I do for a living (which I totally am). I want to have accomplished everything that my friends have done. I want to be impressive. But then I see people who have everything I want so badly and I envy them. I envy them for obtaining it all so effortlessly. And sure I know it took them a lot of hard work, but I can't see that. All I can see is the end result and how my life pales in comparison to theirs.

I know that my life won't always be this way. I know I'm still young. Hell, my great-grandmother lived to be 104 and I'm only 27. I know that just because people I went to school with or girls who are younger than I are having families doesn't mean I've failed in life. I know that having things doesn't equal happiness.

But I wish I could remember that all the time. I wish I wasn't always waiting for the future. I feel as though I miss what happens right now.

On a clear day
I can see, see for a long way


Happy Fat Girl said...

I feel like I could have written this have NO it refreshing to know you are not alone?

love said...

this is so interesting that it happens so much with location. i get it, but interesting.
i kinda wrote the same theme today. i want very badly to be content with exactly where i am. i hope you can embrace that you are exactly where you're supposed to be at this moment, too.

Nichole said...

I know this is an old post, but I wanted to let you know that I feel the same way sometimes. I'm 28 now. Single. No kids. No house. When I look at a lot of my friends, I feel so left behind sometimes. They're all married. Have kids. Some even have mortgages.

I have no idea what I want to do with my life.

I used to compare myself to my mother a lot. By the time she was 24 she already had 3 kids. I felt horrible, like I had failed in life.

But we haven't failed. We're just living different lives, and oftentimes they're more exciting. Just remember that. :)

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