Friendship

My friendships have always been a big part of my life. I'm not terribly close with my family and so my friends have always filled that void in my life. The biggest and most important events in my life have been made better because of my friends. Sometimes I lose faith that there is such a thing as a true, forever and lifelong friendship. At lot of the people in my life have come and gone and come and gone over the years. There are a few exceptions and I try my best to believe that they will always be in my life, but how can I be sure? How can I be certain that the people I love and cherish are always going to be there for me?

The answer is... I can't.

I have no way of knowing who is going to be in my life tomorrow. Someone I love today could move away and stop calling. (Oh, wait, that happened.) Someone I've known since before I had memories could push me away and hurt me down to my core. (Right, that happened last night.) And no matter how much I try to fight it, I can't stop people from choosing to walk away from me. I can't stop my own life from changing and needing to change the people that are a part of it.

I hate it, but maybe there are no lasting, lifelong friendships. After all, most marriages don't last so why would friendships? Especially in a world where people treat friendships as disposable, temporary relationships. It hurts. I will admit that. It breaks my heart when I lose contact with people and I lose that spark we once shared. There are so many people in my memories. I can still see their smiles and hear their laughter, but they aren't a part of my life any longer. Odds are they wouldn't speak to me if we passed on the street.

Of course... your friendship was supposed to be different, wasn't it? You and I were always supposed to be there for each other. I guess I was wrong about that.

Ch-ch-ch-changes.

My dear, dear friend Myriam told me this weekend that I was addicted to change. For some reason, that stuck with me. I thought about it and then this morning I had a bit of an epiphany. I do constantly change my hair color, length and have a bad habit of wanting different clothes and accessories as much as possible. I do want to change my outward appearance all of the time. But that's only because my life hasn't changed much in a very long time.

I have been working at the same job for five years. I don't enjoy what I do. I have no passion for it. And, really, who would? I answer phones for a living. Even if you enjoy spending all your time on the phone, you would grow to hate this job. Instead of living out my own dreams, I watch people live their success. And then get their coffee.

It didn't start out this way and I doubt very many people set out to work a dead end job. But there are bills to be paid and dreams and desires are often put on hold to keep a roof over your head. All of the things I want to change seem so unattainable. I find myself doubting I will ever get to have a career. I can't imagine myself traveling and doing all of the things I know I want to do. Each time I take a step towards making changes in my life, something seems to come up. Anymore I'm not sure if life really is out to get me or I can't distinguish my excuses from the slight God clearly has against me. (I suspect it's the former, because I don't actually think God has a slight against me. Dramatics simply make better blogging.)

And once again I will try to change my life to make myself happier. Maybe it will all work this time. Or maybe the sky will fall and I will find myself behind this desk, answering this phone and plotting out my next hair color to feel as though I have some control over my life.

Weekends

The week is never good for me. This week was especially bad. Long commutes and annoying work issues. Nothing good happened in the slightest. And all I was looking forward to was a weekend with Greg. I wanted to spend two whole days with him, recharging my batteries and allowing my husband to make me laugh.

Mission accomplished.

We didn't do anything adventurous. Breakfast out, shopping for home stuff and books and watching TV. We visited some family and drove around far too much. But it was perfect. It was exactly what I needed. Somehow, without ever asking, my husband simply knows what I need to make me feel better. And that (among other, more cuddly reasons) is why I married him. Plus he has great teeth. My teeth are only pretty thanks to four years of very painful metal shoved into my mouth. Good teeth were a must when selected the future father of my future children. (Yes, I thought about these things when I was 18. I'm a planner.)

I know I complain about him sometimes. I know that he annoys me every so often. But, for better or worse, he's a good guy and I'm damn lucky to have him.

True Love

Even though this is coming a day late, I feel it's very important to wish my parents a happy anniversary. See, everything I know about love and happiness comes from them. Their marriage has been the best example of what true love is and how to make a marriage last.

Nineteen years (and one day) ago, my mom married my dad. Some people know their dad from the day they are born. My dad came to me when I was seven years old. And even though my mom's wedding day should've been the happiness day in her life, it was also the happiest of mine. It was the day I finally got a dad.

My parents have taught me a lot about life. Never change your personality for someone else. Always, always fold the chip bag correctly or the world is likely to end. Clutter is only okay if you're the one in charge. Laughter is the key to eternal happiness. Nothing is better than pancakes on a Saturday morning. Your family doesn't consist of the people you're related to, just the people you love.

I could go on and on about how awesome my parents are. There aren't people in the world I admire and respect more than the pair of them. I wanted to pick out one memory that stands out above all the others, but I can't. I know that my parents have found real, lasting and forever love with each other. Maybe they took longer to find it than some people. Maybe they had to go through the bad experiences to truly appreciate what they have together. Maybe it's true that opposites truly do attract. All I know is that my parents are soul mates and because of them I have always believed in true love.

Happy Anniversary, Mom and Dad. I love you both very, very much.