Tuesday, July 26, 2011

limitations and lack of purpose

My surgery was exactly one week ago. And it's been just shy of a month since the fall. I'll admit it. I've been cranky, bitchy, snarky and annoying since this all happened. It isn't because of the pain. Yes, the pain sucked, but I can deal with it. The reason behind all of my frustrations is so much bigger than pain.

I have limits. Big, huge, glaring and annoying limits that have impacted my life.

I'm not going to pretend that this is some life changing event and that I understand what it means to be truly injured. This is just a knee injury and it will heal. But aside from breaking my arm when I was a kid, this is the first time I've been limited in what I can and cannot do. For someone who doesn't like asking for help ever, this is a challenge that I'm not handling very well.

When I want a glass of water I have to pull myself up, crutch over to the sink and balance on one crutch while getting a glass down and then shuffle back to the sofa and attempt not to spill anything. Making food is so time consuming and difficult that I bought a box of pop tarts because I can totally manage to open those. I'm eating them cold though. The toaster is far. And while I am dying to go outside and visit with friends and enjoy summer, the exhaustion I feel from going to therapy is so overwhelming that all I can do is relax.

My days consist of sitting on my sofa, browsing the internet, reading, watching bad television and talking to my cat. Four months ago my life revolved around work and I had to make time for all those other things. I've spent the last ten plus years working. I've always been busy. I've always been that person who was hard to see because I had too much going on.

The change in my employment status coupled with the change in my physical ability has been jarring. There are moments of happiness and love, but it's very hard to see them when I feel so sullen and downtrodden. The world seems to be going out of its way to find new and inventive ways of kicking me down just a little further. I'm still determined to tell the universe to fuck off and that I'll get past all of this, but until I manage to get to the other side I'm going to be cranky, bitchy, snarky and annoying.


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