ten years

If you had told me that when I was 18 years old I was going to meet the man I'd be with forever I would've not only laughed at you, but I would have run screaming. I did not want to be serious with anyone. The only person I'd ever been serious with was my high school boyfriend and that was far from a healthy relationship.

And yet, ten years later there is a man sleeping on my sofa after working all day who wakes up just enough to tell me that he loves me before falling back asleep.

I love him, too.

You will never hear me say that my marriage or relationship is perfect. It isn't. Oh lord, it is the furthest thing from perfect imaginable. But it's good and that's all I need. It's good and happy and full of laughter. Nine days out of ten he's my best friend in the world. Even on that one day when I want to shake him and kick him in the knee I'm still glad I married the jerk.

My husband is my opposite. When I am UP and MOVING and LOUD he is calm and relaxed and quiet. I want to tell the entire world what I think of them and he's okay with only talking to a few close friends and family. I want to see things and learn things and explore and in that he is my equal. He challenges me to think, but more importantly he's taught me how to feel. He's taught me how to love unconditionally. I never struggled with pushing myself. I'm okay with learning something new and I live for understanding a new concept. But emotions? Deep, powerful emotions that leave me vulnerable and exposed? I would rather chew my own arm off.

Except he makes me feel those things. And it's for that reason alone I'm still with him. Because no matter how hard it is or how much I want to shank him on some days when he's sitting on the computer and ignoring me entirely.. I remember that he wakes up just to tell me that he loves me.

And I love him, too.

Imagine me and you, I do.

Five years ago, I became a wife. Ish. Legality aside, I've been married since April 16, 2005.

I've struggled with being a wife. I will be the first person to tell you that marriage is not easy. Marriage is work and if you're not dedicated to your spouse and your commitment, it's going to fail miserably. Because it's not just about being in love and making a life together. No. It is so much much more than that.

When you're married to someone you have to share yourself. And that right there is the hardest thing I've ever had to do. Those of you who really know me know that I'm not big on sharing. I like my emotions locked up, not discussed and ignored. Feelings aren't something I'm good at discussing. I can handle anger. I can do laughter. But vulnerability and sorrow and that stuff? No thanks, let's move on, etc etc. But I expect other people to be completely open and honest with me. Yes I am aware of the hypocrisy. Very aware of it.

Luckily for me, I have a husband who embraces my flaws. He laughs when I insist I hate being affectionate and then ask him why he isn't cuddling me on the sofa. He just shakes his head when I tell him I'm not upset about something only to lock myself in my bedroom and sulk. For all of my faults (and there are a LOT) he accepts and loves me. For that I'm truly lucky.

I know our life isn't always going to be perfect. And even though I tend to measure my life against other peoples', I know that we're on our own path and one day we'll reach all the places we want to see. But for now, I'm going to be happy with having a husband who cooks better than I do. I'm going to love that my husband is the size of a freaking tree. I'm going to laugh when he falls asleep during every single movie we attempt to watch together. And I'm going to thank God every day for giving me such a kind, gentle and loving giant of a man.

Did I mention he cleans? Really, it's the main reason I keep him around. The rest is just gravy.