Sunday, July 4, 2010


Today was a day of mixed emotions. I kept bouncing back and forth between happy and annoyed, frustrated and loved. Days like today (thankfully) don't come around very often, but oh when they do.. it's impossible to shake the feeling. So instead of crawling into bed and looking forward to the day I have planned tomorrow I am sitting at my computer and wondering if maybe I am a god awful friend and person.

I want to be a good friend. I want to be the friend that people turn to and confide in. I want to be the friend in all of the good memories and the only people lean on during the bad. But, I want to be that friend for all of my friends and I know that's not always possible. I can't be there for everyone. I can't be everything for everyone all the time. That doesn't change the fact that I want to be.

Even with writing this, I worry that I'm going to offend people. I worry that people are going to read my feelings as selfish. But I should be able to say what's on my mind without worrying about how other people are going to take it. I made that promise to myself.

I cannot meet all of the expectations people place on me. I cannot be the good daughter, the good friend, the good wife and the good whatever that people demand me to me. Not all at once. Sometimes I have to make a choice and when that happens I will always end up choosing one person over another. I don't do it because I care about Person B more than Person A or vice versa. I do it for me. I do it because it's what I need in my life. Sometimes, yes, I need to make decisions that are about me. And what really, really bothers me is when people can't respect that.

I cannot make everyone happy. I can't always be there for everyone. I'd love to have that ability. I'd love to be able to make everyone around me happy, but it's not possible. So when I have people upset with me because they feel as though I've replaced them.. it hurts my feelings a great deal. It hurts me to think that people who claim to love me would think that I've chosen someone else over them. I haven't. But there are only so many hours in a day and only so many days in a week. I don't have an infinite amount of time to spread around.

Sigh. I'm ranting now and that's not what I wanted to do. I wanted to clear my head before I went to sleep, but it looks like that isn't happening. I just need to tell myself that I'm not a bad person and that I shouldn't be hard on myself because I can't please everyone.

And maybe, just maybe, hope for an extra big hug from my husband tomorrow.