you're like a grandma.

I had big plans this summer. I was going to go out and enjoy the weather and have a good time. And so I went swimming at my cousin's house last Thursday. That seemed like a good idea, right? And it was.

Minus the part when I fell getting into the pool and busted the hell out of my knee.

One day of pain and a doctor's visit later I discovered I had injured my cartilage. Awesome! Because there is nothing more fun than spending my days sitting on a sofa and popping vicodin. Are you jealous? You totally should be!

I don't know exactly what's wrong yet because I have to fight with insurance companies to pay for my claims. I love our health care system. Really. Really.

But there are plus sides! I get people to come visit me and I got to ride around Walmart in one of those scooters. By the way, those things are harder to manage than you'd think. They don't like to stay still and when you back up it's embarrassing. Let's all mock my pain, shall we? As Lily said today... "Aunt Katy, you're like a grandma."

had myself a ball in a small town

I've never really lived anywhere but here. I might have moved around from house to apartment to trailer, but I've always been here. I've always had country roads to blast down while my music is turned up all the way. I've always had friends who live "just down the road" even if that road is 20 miles long. I've had country fairs, beaches, block parties, drive-ins, small communities and so many more things that I wouldn't have anywhere else.

Last night I went to a movie in the park. (Or the courthouse square since the park is still under construction.) We sat in the grass, talked and laughed and waited for the (free!) movie to start. People were handing out popcorn, families were mingling, kids were playing and it dawned on me how much I love my little city. The population of Valpo might make it a city but it's events like last night that make it a town. A small town filled with small town people who value what it means to have a community.

Growing up I wanted nothing more than to MOVE. AWAY. I didn't want to stay in Valpo forever because it was so small. Ten years later (oh hi, I've been out of high school for ten years) I realize that I love how small it is. I love knowing the name of the woman who owns my favorite cafe. I love being able to walk around downtown and ducking into my favorite shop to see what they have in this week. I love how comfortable it feels. My small town is changing a little, but I'm happy for it. It's evolving without losing it's charm that makes it feel like home.

I grew up in a small town.

I'm probably going to die in a small town.

That's good enough for me.

waiting for my real life to begin

Any minute now my ship is coming in
I keep checking the horizon
And I'll stand on the bow
And feel the waves come crashing
Come crashing down, down, down on me

According to Chicago time I'm at a perfectly normal time in my life. I'm 27 and married. I don't have children. I don't own my home and I have a stepping stone job.

According to Indiana time I'm way behind on the kids, home and dream job.

I'm having a lot of trouble trying to balance the different standards in my life. When I'm at work and around my city friends I feel confident and happy. We all complain together about crappy apartments or crappy jobs. We don't think twice about someone not having children before they are 30. It seems normal and nature to be at this state in our lives.

And you said,"Be still, my love
Open up your heart
Let the light shine in"
Don't you understand?
I already have a plan
I'm waiting for my real life to begin.

But then I go home. I go back to the land of corn and sometime during my train ride I lose valuable time in my life. The biological clock starts ticking faster the further east I travel. The fact that I'm not a mom and still in a crap job becomes something I can't ignore. It's as though Indiana pressures me to move my life faster and get to where I want to be right this second.

When I awoke today suddenly nothing happened
But in my dreams I slew the dragon
And down this beaten path
And up this cobbled lane
I'm walking in my own footsteps once again

It's frustrating, of course. I want to have children. I want to have a nice house. I don't want to be embarrassed about where I live (which I am) or what I do for a living (which I totally am). I want to have accomplished everything that my friends have done. I want to be impressive. But then I see people who have everything I want so badly and I envy them. I envy them for obtaining it all so effortlessly. And sure I know it took them a lot of hard work, but I can't see that. All I can see is the end result and how my life pales in comparison to theirs.

I know that my life won't always be this way. I know I'm still young. Hell, my great-grandmother lived to be 104 and I'm only 27. I know that just because people I went to school with or girls who are younger than I are having families doesn't mean I've failed in life. I know that having things doesn't equal happiness.

But I wish I could remember that all the time. I wish I wasn't always waiting for the future. I feel as though I miss what happens right now.

On a clear day
I can see, see for a long way

Imagine me and you, I do.

Five years ago, I became a wife. Ish. Legality aside, I've been married since April 16, 2005.

I've struggled with being a wife. I will be the first person to tell you that marriage is not easy. Marriage is work and if you're not dedicated to your spouse and your commitment, it's going to fail miserably. Because it's not just about being in love and making a life together. No. It is so much much more than that.

When you're married to someone you have to share yourself. And that right there is the hardest thing I've ever had to do. Those of you who really know me know that I'm not big on sharing. I like my emotions locked up, not discussed and ignored. Feelings aren't something I'm good at discussing. I can handle anger. I can do laughter. But vulnerability and sorrow and that stuff? No thanks, let's move on, etc etc. But I expect other people to be completely open and honest with me. Yes I am aware of the hypocrisy. Very aware of it.

Luckily for me, I have a husband who embraces my flaws. He laughs when I insist I hate being affectionate and then ask him why he isn't cuddling me on the sofa. He just shakes his head when I tell him I'm not upset about something only to lock myself in my bedroom and sulk. For all of my faults (and there are a LOT) he accepts and loves me. For that I'm truly lucky.

I know our life isn't always going to be perfect. And even though I tend to measure my life against other peoples', I know that we're on our own path and one day we'll reach all the places we want to see. But for now, I'm going to be happy with having a husband who cooks better than I do. I'm going to love that my husband is the size of a freaking tree. I'm going to laugh when he falls asleep during every single movie we attempt to watch together. And I'm going to thank God every day for giving me such a kind, gentle and loving giant of a man.

Did I mention he cleans? Really, it's the main reason I keep him around. The rest is just gravy.