Happiness

It doesn't happen often.

Honestly.

But today? Today I want to sing and dance and twirl around in celebration of how AWESOME life is.

You Capture - America

It's all about the simple things in life. It's about something that touches you deep in your heart and warms you up from the inside. It's something that you can't experience anywhere else in the world, something that reminds you of your youth and playing outside in grassy fields. It's about pure happiness and the sort of love that withstands 100 years of failure.

There are a million reasons to feel proud to be an American. But there are just a few things that touch my soul and remind me of hot summer days, being free and hoping that next year will be even better than this one.

And it's about the classics. America is classic. Times change and we evolve as a country but a few things will always stay the same. We will always be proud. We will always be strong. And we will always love food.

Expectations

Today was a day of mixed emotions. I kept bouncing back and forth between happy and annoyed, frustrated and loved. Days like today (thankfully) don't come around very often, but oh when they do.. it's impossible to shake the feeling. So instead of crawling into bed and looking forward to the day I have planned tomorrow I am sitting at my computer and wondering if maybe I am a god awful friend and person.

I want to be a good friend. I want to be the friend that people turn to and confide in. I want to be the friend in all of the good memories and the only people lean on during the bad. But, I want to be that friend for all of my friends and I know that's not always possible. I can't be there for everyone. I can't be everything for everyone all the time. That doesn't change the fact that I want to be.

Even with writing this, I worry that I'm going to offend people. I worry that people are going to read my feelings as selfish. But I should be able to say what's on my mind without worrying about how other people are going to take it. I made that promise to myself.

I cannot meet all of the expectations people place on me. I cannot be the good daughter, the good friend, the good wife and the good whatever that people demand me to me. Not all at once. Sometimes I have to make a choice and when that happens I will always end up choosing one person over another. I don't do it because I care about Person B more than Person A or vice versa. I do it for me. I do it because it's what I need in my life. Sometimes, yes, I need to make decisions that are about me. And what really, really bothers me is when people can't respect that.

I cannot make everyone happy. I can't always be there for everyone. I'd love to have that ability. I'd love to be able to make everyone around me happy, but it's not possible. So when I have people upset with me because they feel as though I've replaced them.. it hurts my feelings a great deal. It hurts me to think that people who claim to love me would think that I've chosen someone else over them. I haven't. But there are only so many hours in a day and only so many days in a week. I don't have an infinite amount of time to spread around.

Sigh. I'm ranting now and that's not what I wanted to do. I wanted to clear my head before I went to sleep, but it looks like that isn't happening. I just need to tell myself that I'm not a bad person and that I shouldn't be hard on myself because I can't please everyone.

And maybe, just maybe, hope for an extra big hug from my husband tomorrow.

Meager Earnings

Inside my desk there is a stack of bills. Medical bills, NIPSCO, Comcast, etc. All horrible pieces of paper demanding money from me. Sometimes demanding money that I don't have. We are so far deep in a hole that it's impossible to see the surface. But there isn't a price for life. (Okay, so it's just under $200K, but still.) When I see my phone light up with another collector wanting their share of money I get so angry.

All we did was help Greg get better. We have insurance. For part of it, we had two different isurance policies. But it is still not enough. And they don't want to accept that I do not make enough money to satisfy all my debts instantly. To them their debt is the single most important of mine.

I get so frustrated sometimes. You hear stories on the news about people living paycheck to paycheck. And I bet some of you wonder why they just don't pay their bills. Why are people living in trailers and driving cars that don't work? Because things happen. And despite how hard you pray or how many hours in a week you work... things happen. People get sick and nearly die. People lose their jobs. Things break. It's part of life.

I have so many friends who cannot possibly understand my situation. They've never suffered from lay offs or illness. They've never fallen behind on car payments. They've never had to live off of Ramen because everything else was too expensive. And it's hard. We're in a much better place now than we were a few years ago, but we're still not good.

I'm embarrased to admit I live in a trailer. I'm ashamed to tell people that I can't get a loan for a new car. It pains me to even write this blog, but I want people to understand something.

Financial problems aren't due to people being too stupid/lazy/selfish. I know I'm none of those things. So as I sit here hoping a praying that my car doesn't cost more than the pitiful amount in my bank account to repair... look at what you have and please be grateful you're not in my situation. Don't take the level of comfort you have for granted. And please, please don't judge the people you see who are struggling.

You Capture - FUN

When you work full time and fill the remaining hours with chores and errands it's not always easy to have fun. In the summer I'm reminded of this constantly when I see other people talk about spending days at the park or being with their family and friends while I'm at my desk.

But sometimes I remember to have fun.

Last Saturday, Greg and I went to Q101's Jamboree. We had lawn seats, watched people and listened to some great music. And while I learned that I'm a) too old and b) too pale to sit in the lawn anymore it was still a good time.

Greg, June 19, 2010, Q101 Jamboree

Red Headed Step Child

I'm hurting at the moment. The fact that I'm sharing it with anyone is a big step for me because I don't like telling people when I'm hurting. But right now in this very moment I am.

I think my brother may be in town from California. And how did I discover this? My oldest brother made a Facebook post. "My brother can party." Maybe he's hearing a story from Kory, but it's far more likely they are together.

I'm never told when he is coming out here. I rarely see him when he does come out here. I'm twenty-seven years old and I still just want my brothers to love..hell, I want them to like me. But maybe it's time to accept that they don't and never will.

I know we come from a blended family. I know that we don't share any blood, but I've never seen them as anything but my brothers. It really sucks knowing that they don't feel the same way. All I ever wanted when I was little was a family and then I was handed one. My dad came along with this huge family filled with people and handed it to me. I thought it was the answer to all my prayers.

But I don't talk to most of them. I sincerely doubt they talk to me or think about me. I'm just the outsider that's smiled at and said hello to when I show up for family events. No one calls me. No one invites me directly to any function. And no matter how many times I tell myself I don't care...

I do. I really, really care.

I'm supposed to be a grown up. I'm supposed to be okay with things like this. But I'm not. I can handle my extended family not caring about me much.. but knowing that my big brothers forget about me and don't really care?

That's not something I'll ever be okay with.

You Capture - Sky

I know I complain all. the. time. about where I live.

But honestly? I love this area. I love the mixture of country and city. I love the corn fields. I love the quiet at night.

I love the blue sky of summer against the green of the trees.





This summer I play on spending as much time as possible outside and loving the bright blue sky.