Red Headed Step Child

I'm hurting at the moment. The fact that I'm sharing it with anyone is a big step for me because I don't like telling people when I'm hurting. But right now in this very moment I am.

I think my brother may be in town from California. And how did I discover this? My oldest brother made a Facebook post. "My brother can party." Maybe he's hearing a story from Kory, but it's far more likely they are together.

I'm never told when he is coming out here. I rarely see him when he does come out here. I'm twenty-seven years old and I still just want my brothers to love..hell, I want them to like me. But maybe it's time to accept that they don't and never will.

I know we come from a blended family. I know that we don't share any blood, but I've never seen them as anything but my brothers. It really sucks knowing that they don't feel the same way. All I ever wanted when I was little was a family and then I was handed one. My dad came along with this huge family filled with people and handed it to me. I thought it was the answer to all my prayers.

But I don't talk to most of them. I sincerely doubt they talk to me or think about me. I'm just the outsider that's smiled at and said hello to when I show up for family events. No one calls me. No one invites me directly to any function. And no matter how many times I tell myself I don't care...

I do. I really, really care.

I'm supposed to be a grown up. I'm supposed to be okay with things like this. But I'm not. I can handle my extended family not caring about me much.. but knowing that my big brothers forget about me and don't really care?

That's not something I'll ever be okay with.

You Capture - Sky

I know I complain all. the. time. about where I live.

But honestly? I love this area. I love the mixture of country and city. I love the corn fields. I love the quiet at night.

I love the blue sky of summer against the green of the trees.





This summer I play on spending as much time as possible outside and loving the bright blue sky.

It's not easy.

I've had people ask me how I can stay with someone for so long. I wish there was a big secret I could let everyone in on. I want my friends to find the same happiness I have with Greg. But there isn't a secret. It's really hard and we work constantly at being happy and staying together. People who say marriage is easy? They're full of crap. It's not easy, but it's so rewarding and worth it.

And I know one day, in ten or twenty years, we'll be able to look back at the start of our marriage and be thankful for everything we had to go through. Because I plan on seeing my 50th anniversary with this man and I know by then it will be easy.

In all honesty, I've been with him for so long that I can't imagine not being with him.

That isn't to say he doesn't annoy me. He does. All the time. Daily. Hourly sometimes. And I have have a few friends that have seen us together and know that we're not perfect. We bicker. We swear at each other.

I still love him though. We've been through so much together. People always say not to get married young. Sometimes I'd agree with them and somedays I wouldn't. I was only 22 when I was married and I started seriously dating Greg when I was 18. So young. But I don't think I'd be the well adjusted, happy go lucky person I am today (shut up, I so am) without having him as a part of my daily life for the last nine years.

HOWEVER.

If he continues to use three glasses a day and leave them scattered around me house I may be forced to divorce him. Because that is really annoying. Jerkface.

Learning

I know I've been going on and on about my new job, but I can't help myself. It's been too long since I've had a job that really made me feel good about myself. Out of 35 applicants, they chose me. I stood out because of my experience and my personality. And that right there? That makes me feel really good about myself.

Not only does this job make me feel good, but it makes me want to better myself. I want to gather up all the knowledge I can and move forward. I don't want to sit around and do nothing all day. When I think back to five days ago, I'm amazed. Instead of learning and living, I was sitting. Sitting still and wishing the hours of my life by. Watching the clock and willing it to move faster. For the last four years or so, I've been wishing my life away. But now? Now I barely look at the clock and when I do I'm amazed at how quickly the day has gone.

I allowed myself to sit still for too long. Well I'm done sitting! My desire for knowledge and growth and challenges sparked back up again. I'm eager to turn this job into a career. I know I can do it. I know the opportunity is there. Finally I have my momentum back and I'm never going to sit still again.

Every single day is a chance to learn something new. There was no one at CLO willing to teach me. They were content to allow me to sit and I accepted that far too easily. No more. Now I'm not letting myself settle. I don't care if it's hard or stressful, I'm going to keep pushing myself to be better. I want to learn. I want to be a part of a company that encourages me to grow.

But more than anything.. I've stopped wishing my life away. There's no need to.

New.

I have ten minutes before I'm heading out the door for my second day of work. Ten minutes to do anything I want. I've already spent an hour this morning lazing about because I didn't need to rush. I've already showered, pulled on a cute dress with leggings, done my hair and makeup and had a quick breakfast. I've played with the dog, checked my e-mail and even goofed off on Facebook.

Yes, yes I do like this new routine.

Soon I'll be driving over to Valpo and my new office. I know there will be work for me to do today. I know that people will be friendly and I don't have to fear snarky and inappropriate/rude comments. I know that if I have a question on something, someone will help me.

But more than anything... I know how much happier I feel. Lighter. I came home last night utterly exhausted from all the new information I had to process. Not to mention all of the up and down moving around I was doing. But you know what? Totally worth it. I might have been tired and ready to sleep for a week, but it was a good sort of tired.

Not dreading my mornings and days is the first step to reclaiming the happiness I've been missing the last few months. Knowing that soon I'll be able to have a full and happy life keeps me going.

Jackasses Forever

Sometimes I feel as though I should have a certain group of friends to make me laugh. People I go out with on the weekends and share all of my life with. And then I remember I have that group of friends. I have a best friend who has known me over half my life and gets me like no one else does. And through her, I have a second family.

My family is great. They are. But I've never felt a connection with some of them. Maybe it's because I came along later than everyone else. Maybe it's because they don't really know me. Or maybe it's a distance thing, but we aren't that close. And I always wanted a family I was close to.

So, I became an honorary member of the Jackass Clan.

Late nights filled with laughing, telling stories, and nearly crying and/or peeing are what family is about. Really. Saying things you shouldn't because you forget Grandpa is in the room, texting words you can't say in front of Grandpa and drinking Dr Pepper. It's all perfect and I'm so lucky that I've met all these people.

I really, really love them all.

It's good to be a Jackass.

An Ode to Ma (Part One)

I was going to write something up on Sunday about how amazing my mom is and how much she means to me. That will still happen because my Ma is kind of awesome and deserves to be glorified and all that crap. But, I’m seeing this weekend as a golden opportunity to write three different posts about my mother. It’ll be fun. You’ll learn things about her that you might not know. And I never, EVER, pass up the chance to tease my mother. She deserves it. Growing up she was AWFUL to me. I mean, really awful. I don’t know how I survived all these years.

Have you ever seen my mother and I together? We look alike. Not just a little either. People can look at me and know that I’m Leanne’s daughter. I’ve heard “Oh you’re Leanne’s daughter!” more times than I can count. And while we are very similar, we’re also very different. For example? I’m not crazy like she is. My mom is INSANE. And now I’ll explain to all of you just how nuts she really is.

Socks on the floor turn my mother into a raging lunatic.
It’s true. The only thing that upsets my mother more than socks on the floor are towels in a closet. If you ever want to see my mother turn beat red and start screaming a string of obscenities that would make a sailor blush, leave your socks on the floor for a few days. She screams and shouts and hollers and makes you fear for your very life. Honestly, I thought I was going to die a time or two. She’s scary.

She likes my friends more than me.
How messed up is that?! My mother has a history of preferring my friends over me. Recently she’s been siding with a certain friend named Justin. Clearly this is proof that my mother is insane because everyone knows I’m infinitely cooler than Justin and much prettier too. Past preferences included my friends Lorne, Beth and Liz. I maintain I’m cooler than all of them.

She wanted to name me Dagmar.
Isn’t that reason enough for the State to take me away? It should’ve been. Let’s all take a moment to thank my grandfather for stepping in and stopping her. Instead she named me Katrina which would prove to be just as annoying later in life. My mother shouldn’t be allowed to name things. Ever. And what the hell kind of person wants to name their daughter Dagmar? That’s the postal worker on Sims! She’s evil and insane, that mother of mine.

She painted our house purple.
It’s true. Until recently we had a purple house. Totally my mother’s idea. She’ll tell you that it wasn’t purple it was ‘Autumn Dusk’. Sorry, Ma. Purple is purple. And it really clashed with the three foot tall orange Dala horse she hand painted on the garage door. No, she’s not color blind. She’s just INSANE.

Her wardrobe. Period.
Last year we cleaned out on of her closets. It wasn’t pretty. I had to fight with her over several garments. Also? She still rocks shoulder pads. To be fair, the wardrobe is improving, but sometimes she still wears things that make me cringe.

She can go from happy to CRAZY!INSANE!RAGEY! in a matter of 10 seconds.
It’s true. I’ve seen it happen. I’ve also caused it on several occasions, but that’s not the point. The woman is a ticking time bomb of rage. It’s best to stay ten feet back from her at all times.

In all honesty, I love my mother. I love that she puts up with my shit. I love that she doesn’t bitch (too much) when I tease her and I love that at 59 years old, she’s trying to develop a sense of humor. She doesn’t have one, but she’s working really hard at it.

So, Ma? I love you. Thanks for having me. And keeping me. And not killing me when I was a brat. And giving me rides sometimes. Oh and most of all? Thanks for not calling to yell at me after I post this for all of the internet to see. You’re the best.

It's time to set things straight.

It occurred to me last night after receiving some very surprising news that I no longer have a safe place to vent. That realization was confirmed this morning and I find myself wondering why we aren't allowed to air our own frustrations these days. Have you ever sat down to write something and worried about that one person who wasn't going to agree with you? Does it ever feel like speaking your mind isn't worth the judgment you're going to get from others? Why is that? Why am I censoring myself to please others?

I started a journal (way back in 2001 on LiveJournal) to create a place to record my thoughts and feelings. I wanted a place safe when I could write about whatever I wanted and whatever I felt. It was meant to be a place to write my happy moments as well as my angry thoughts. But now that I've come over to Blogger I find myself picking and choosing what I write. It's no longer an outlet for my own thoughts, but a way to impress others with my writing.

Yeah. Sorry, but that's not who I am and that stops right now.

Sometimes I think the world is stupid. I think people are stupid and I think my life sucks. And on those days I'm going to write about my frustration and anger and that's okay. It's more than okay. Because once I write about it all and get it out I feel better. And, yes, this blog is all about me. I don't want to feel judged because I've had a rough few days. And I don't want to present my life as this sunny place filled with joy because that isn't real.

For the love of Oz, talk about the hard times. Share those with the world because if you don't allow people to see the bad they are never going to know you or understand you. I know I'm not an overly negative person. I laugh with my friends. I joke. Hell, I'm always joking with my friends. So if someone comes along and sees that I wrote about how much I dislike the train or my job or a certain person in my life and labels me as an unhappy person.. well good for them. I'm not here to please people.

I'm just here to be me.

Good Days

Good days are 12 hours with your best friend.

Getting lost in Walmart, Having lunch, sitting around and talking to people, teasing, laughing...

Watching the geese with her beautiful baby girl while she shops.
Going to the drive in, daring mother nature to rain.
Popcorn, onion rings, candy, pillows, blankets, bananas, bad parking, blonde moments, feeling old and young at the same time.
Watching the sunset while anxiously waiting for the movie to start.
And remembering that no matter the ups and downs your friendship might have...
You can always come home to your best friend.
(And her kid)